You know that moment when you just want someone who manage the time in this universe to use all the super power to do just one thing: stop the time.
I would really appreciate that. Thank you.

At this state, i really need things to be back to normal. I'm home but this doesn't feel like home. It's just a big house with mean and selfish people in it. Want to change the tickets to be back to sydney earlier in february but then i realised i have no home at there either. hahaha. i guess, life is having a good laugh at me right now.

Here's to someone who's been stalking my blog for quite a number of months :p 
If you're reading this, this post again is dedicated for you.
Here's to you who've been one of the men out there who always success to sweep me off my feet.

I want to say I love you,
here and there,
always have and always will,
even though the path is still blur for us, 
I know we will make it through as long as it's you, 
as long as we both wanted to.


I guess 'thank you' word will never cover how grateful i am for this year,
for knowing you, for having you, and for keeping you.
Thank you for pulling me out from the dark,
for showering me with endless supports and love,
for the wait when i'm not even sure what' worth to wait,
Thank you so much for being the one person I could talk to
and i'm sorry i'm so difficult to be with.
Thank you for never leaving my side through the tough and ugly times.
Thank you for being my rock. Thank you for being understanding. Thank you for being patient, kind, friendly. 
Thank you for not pushing me and not letting me fall either.
Thank you for making me feel that i good enough even though sometimes i am such a pain in the ass hee hee.
Thank you for accepting me for who I was, and looking on the inside, not the outside.
But most of all…thank you for loving me like no one else ever has, or ever will.




We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.

- Ellen Goodman

I can't sleep recently. If i could sleep then i would be having nightmares. I don't know why certain person could still haunts you in your sleep even if you don't talk to them anymore, or even see for years. 
I'm thinking sleeping pills. 
You know how when you're in bed, all those random thoughts just came out from nowhere? i hate that feeling. You can't shoo them away, you let those feelings eating you and they make you feel so miserable and you can do nothing. 

I still don't get a lot of things when i'm thinking, and i think i will never. Maybe some things will never meant to be understood. right? People i know became people i knew. I still think i know them though. Maybe because i'm not ready to give it up as a memory yet. And eventually i'm the one who fades into memory. 

"Its like you're screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing. no one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless like nothing can save you, and when its over, then its gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good." 

- Agyness Deyn on Rihanna's We Found Love clip

i never intend to drag people into the darkness i created. I promise you i never.
but aren't we all selfish human beings? wanting to have someone who simply understands? not judging, not pushing, not expecting more from you because they believe you are good enough?
i don't need help, i need guidance, i need someone who could reach out their hands for me. not just standing outside this walls i built and wait for me to climb back and go back to them, wait for me to be sane enough.
then what if i couldn't go back there? will you just wait and wait? i doubt that.
cause i myself don't know how to.

How easy it is living in a denial. It is too comforting. We lie, lie too much. We lie to ourselves.
Thinking of everything is going to be alright, while it isn't going to be.
Sometimes it is too consoling living in a lie, i build these walls of lies to protect myself getting hurt.
ah, i don't even know what i'm talking about. I need to get a grip of something.  I need consistency of how i should be living my life. i've been wanting to die, and wanting to live. I hate this feeling. I would give anything not to feel this way, i would give anything to stop wanting to close my eyes forever. I would give anything not to bear with this, i wish someone could save me. Cause i've been in this dark tunnel like forever and i can't see the end of it, not even a glimpse of light.
Lately i've been ignoring God, i'm pushing myself away from him. I couldn't recall the last time i talk to him. maybe because i'm too ashamed of myself, i don't want him to hear any more of my selfish rants.
Do you think we need to get lost in order to find out who we really are? well, i think i've been lost forever. hoping someone could get me out of this.
Do you know how hard it is to be in this alone?
I' m scared, scared that i will be living like this forever.
What am i , or have been running away from?
I don't know either.

I miss home, but i think i'm not homesick.
I don't really miss going back to that big house, sometimes i miss my old house, it's very small that you couldn't find a sacred place to answer calls, and you can't hide anything in that old house either.

I miss my old housekeeper who used to bath me and braided my hair.
She used to make that javanese sweet candies that i like so much. I hope she's healthy or.. still alive.

I miss lying in my bed for hours, slacking doing nothing for the whole day, going out with my loves to the places we love, shit talking and laughing like nobody cares till our eyes get wet, do everything spontaneously and useless all day. Nothing has to be planned, everything just goes as it is.

I miss the random talks, the free flow conversations, the deep talks that we know it shouldn't be understood, questioning why, what and how.

I miss kenneth, i really hope dog heaven supplies unlimited beef jerkies for him.

I miss waking up at noon, greeted by nasi goreng or mom's herbal chicken soup. I miss the smell of my house when it just been painted, i miss the annoying karaoke sessions from the house next door.

I miss home, where is home?

The sky is lovely today, by lovely i mean grey. I love grey skies, grey clouds. Even like it more if they're blacks. Like about to have a thunderstorm. I always love rain. I love the smell of it. There's something about rain that is just so comforting. Like it would weep away all the heartaches and sadness. I could sit alone and staring at the rain for hours or so, thinking thinking and thinking. Sometimes i don't even know what i'm thinking, i just think, cause thinking apparently distract my mind for a while. I think the most when i'm about to sleep, i used to have glow in the dark stars stickers on my ceiling, i like to watch them glow until they don't glow anymore and i will feel sad because they don't glow and i have to switch on the lights because they absorbs the lights. I think when i'm waiting for the traffic lights, and the longer i have to wait the better cause i could think more. I feel sad when it changes to green. Lately i've been too absent-minded, i don't care about school, friends, anything. I know i should have been grateful for most of people have been so good to me and i don't know why i just can't be good, i can't be enough. I wonder how the rest of the people do it. Tell me, how do you do it?

 three masketirs (re: musketeers) :D

 love her dress!

Happy Birthday Stephy!♥

I cant wait to be back home. Right now there's like a giant rocky stone i'm carrying on my shoulders.

Not to mention, there's someone who's been bugging my mind, a person who doesn't have the guts to spill her name to question my love life on formspring. Like seriously, why do you even bother about my past relationship? It has nothing to do with you, woman. Drop me an email if you want to take this to the next level, don't be a coward. I'm more than happy to answer your curiosities.